The Mother-ship and the Awful Attempt at Re-entry

Zee sat there in his large throne, staring down at the spherical, wispy object that he had inhabited for the best part of 40 years. He silently slurped a special blend of Nescafe and onion-seed-juice while eating a singular piece of wholemeal bread. Zee was a careful man, he kept his friends close yet his enemies closer. Today, though that was to come to the ultimate test. An elite team of espionage experts, originating from a barbaric camp in the former Soviet Union were making their way out of the stratosphere and hurtling at three times the speed of sound towards the Berridgian Mother-ship, the exact one Zee had taken control of 2 years earlier. The Soviet rocket, looking as rickety as ever, began it’s slow descent into a landing bay, with a payload of just a few tonnes, landing should not be so hard – that is what they though, drafting up their master plan in a quiet, leafy village in Dorset. The rocket began picking up speed, the pilot -Captain Matmau Jackson engaged the reverse thrusters, slowing the descent, this was evidently not enough as the starship hurtled into a large steel bollard on landing, instantly killing the pilot and his assistance – Master Hamdog. Battered and bruised, the three remaining crew members: Kalil, Linkz and Hurd swiftly dealt with the 7 armed guards stationed on the airlock – pinning arrows through their masks. They moved with lightning speed to the airlock and entered the cavernous hallway. Meanwhile, further along the ship, Berridge sat in a cage with 8 Polynesian women who continually stroked his silky smooth tendrils, by now they had gone red from erosion. The three remaining crew members stormed past and made their way towards the bridge, and ultimately their target – Zee himself. Suddenly out of nowhere, a green liquid pooled in Linkz’s space suit – it was too late. The subsequent attempts at resuscitation failed, the two moved on, leaving their corpse-like friend behind. Little did the two know, still suffering from short-term post-traumatic stress disorder, that Zee’s henchman Baker was lurking in the shadows up ahead. Baker came at them like a cat out of hell and spun round at near enough 2000 RPM with scythe like blades for hands, Hurd was sliced and diced immediately as Baker moved on to Kalil. The last remaining crew member, with his guile and quick-wittedness pulled out a Desert Eagle and emptied the clip into Baker’s abdomen, he kept advancing. Baker, still bleeding, kept spinning until Kalil finally finished him with a grenade thrown directly down his wide, gaping throat. Zee, glancing over at a security camera saw the action. He quickly dug his long spindly finger into a red button, activating a subsequent re-entry sequence. Zee lept into his escape pod and began the journey to the relative safety of earth. Soon to follow Kalil, realising that the ship was quickly turning to face the ground had a dilemma on his hands: attempt re-entry with this large, old vessel or try it with a disarmed nuclear missile. He chose the latter, shot through a window with his handy Desert Eagle and into the vacuum of space. Kalil swiftly activated his thrusters and manoeuvred towards the grey rocket, strapped to the side of the mother-ship, he clambered inside and detached it from the side of the ship using a pre-initiated launch sequence. The rest of this story, can only be described as a complete farce and failure, the rocket burnt up in the blink of an eye once a single mile into the atmosphere. Zee had escaped today, he knew the Russian baffoons would be back. Baker would not.

Meanwhile, Hurd and Linkz were with Berridge on a cloud stroking the kind women – let’s say they were returning the favour.

-= Zee’s Official Stories 2014 =-


The Finding of the Mysterious Skull of Knowledge and the Desperate Shenanigans of the Incan Armies – Part 1

The Council of Awesomeness


Just like any other blue Wednesday, the extreme exhaustion from a titanic challenge (namely 2 hours of solid and unrelenting badminton) meant that Al literally couldn’t be bothered to do any homework. After arriving at the enormous grounds of the famous Bollington mansion once owned by the famous hero of yore Lord Gaben, he circumnavigated the heavily guarded walls of stone to arrive at his small shack that he had built out of leaves and cardboard in the hope that no-one would find it (however, because the grounds of the vast house were so large, no-one came anywhere near its location anyway) he entered and found that his computer was turned on, and Steam was not responding. Al at this point was suspicious; either some Chinese hacker had broken the store and scammed the gaming lord for $30 million or it was a universal emergency; the second council of awesome must be held to deal with the problem.

Al knew he must be quick and efficient in his next deed, or he would raise the alarm of the people in the mansion and through them, the police. He sprinted outside like a slightly skinny cheetah and proceeded to the red brick wall that towered over the gardens of the manor house, protecting it from intruders and exclaimed ‘open says-a me’ in his very best accent (although when the council was held nobody knew why Al had said this, as of course it is common protocol not to use generic sayings as the password). The wall’s defence system activated and there was a huge rumble. Slowly, the front portion of the 15-foot barricade stared to wobble. Al forgot that the wall had been programmed to squish anyone who tried to gain entrance, but he took a couple of paces backwards and the wall crumbled at his feet. Where the pile of antique Tudor bricks had once stood now lay a gaping entrance to a clean, silver-walled stairwell leading down into the bowels of the earth. Al strode forwards into the well-lit tunnel and smiled to himself when he heard a loud screeching noise, looked back and once again the wall was back in place.  This was his creation, the most high-security facility the world has ever seen. The Pentagon? Hah! Those silly Americans are so large that the ground shakes every time someone takes a step inside that ugly fortress. This was far more discreet. After 5 minutes of ambling through the clean silver corridor, he finally reached the atrium, the control centre of the facility. In the centre of the bowl shaped room there was a large mahogany oval table which was primarily designed to serve as a meeting place for the world’s greatest minds. At the end of the table there was a magnificent spectacle – a golden throne, over 10 feet tall and embossed with sculptures that depicted the entire history of the 21st Century (this was of course subject to change). It was a far cry from the other end of the table where prominent public figures like Obama and Jihadi John sat on the sort of plastic chair you might find in a primary school classroom, and even more spectacular than the office chairs of the innermost council.

Al took his place on the adored metal seat and opened a hatch in one of the arms. In it was two buttons of equal size and shape. One was labelled ‘coffee’ and one was labelled ‘launch nuclear weapons’; the first council of awesome had culminated when Ghandi was sacked as head of the council after “accidentally” pressing the ‘nukes’ button instead of ‘coffee’, and the fallout had forces the entirety of Austria to relocate to the Russian cities of Nvogorad and Rastavod. Al made sure to open the console a second time to reveal another button that was labelled ‘national emergency’. He sighed, and after 5 minutes of opening the consoles within the consoles he reached the point that he was reaching – ‘universal emergency’. He clicked the button.

The world shook. At precise locations all over the globe, explosions of sound that would put any annoying rock band to shame boomed out over the land, at only a handful of people knew what it meant. In Washington, D.C. a suited figure moved like a shadow making its way to a private jet in the chaos in the streets. In Chichen Itza, where people thought it was the end of the world, the head of New Inca stepped into the underground chamber of the stone massif where experiments so otherworldly even the Koreans couldn’t comprehend them. In the dense jungles of Papua New Guinea, the head of the ancient tribes escaped this Ewok-like village while the peasants were praying to the godly noise. In the cherry-blossomed pagoda in Japan, an armoured figure’s meditation was interrupted, and the noise was so deafening that even on the moon it could be heard as the entire space station reverberated around one man’s inner sanctum.

Back at ground zero, Al had encountered an unfortunate problem. While reaching down into the depths of his golden throne, his arm had jammed when the console started to close. Sweat poured down his brow as he realised he only had two options – he could either leave it there and be stuck until the entire council arrived, or he could amputate it. He would have to use a bone saw for that however and that would mean damaging his throne, so he decided to wait.

Exactly 127 hours later, there was a flash of light so blinding in the conference room that it was like there had been a strike of lightning. In a puff of smoke (not the smoke from a fire, the dry ice effects kind) a team of 5 people stepped out into the light. Here they were, the council of awesome. There was:

  • The head of the entire judicial system of the USA and a good friend of the mafia, Michael Abrahamse
  • The lord of the new Incan Order and jungle experimenter, David Jessop
  • The intelligent explorer of the Pokémon world who doesn’t stay in hotels, Ben Lynch
  • The famous samurai berserker in the red armour of death, Sam Baker
  • The mathematical genius who is the first person ever to have a secret moon base on the moon, Alex Welsh

These all had nicknames, of course, but due to the purposes of this story not sounding too cheesy, these characters will be known as Al, Abe, Linkz, Ben, Baker and Kalil.

They took their seats at the council, Kalil and Linkz making sure to have a lap around the room on their office chairs before doing so and giving time for Ben to create the designs for his new aeronautical origami project (which Baker was impressed with, being Japanese).

Then Al noticed something. “Where’s Zee and Berridge?”

Kalil realised what happened to Zee. “He was busy doing… erm…important things with my minions in my moon base on the moon. He may be here in a minute. Or an hour. Or…”

“ENOUGH!” boomed Linkz – Baker nodded in appreciation. Al, shocked by the power of Linkz’s shouts, looked round at him in caution.

“So what happened to Berridge again?” he inquired.

Far away, in the vast plains of Sierra Leone, Berridge, a portly man who enjoyed frolicking among wild animals, was walking through the savannah taking in the isolated atmosphere. There he was, watching some lions lie around near some rocks, when they shook and pounced off like their lives depended on it and scarpered. Berridge was confused until a hulking figure, at least 8 feet tall, rose from behind the outcrop and stared at him. He knew, somehow, that this thing would pursue him. He turned and fled, raced back to his jeep and drove with the speed of a Mercedes Formula 1 car towards the nearest village. He suddenly felt rather ill, and got out of the car immediately to throw up all over the side of the road. His vision faltered and he felt faint, as if he was starved of oxygen. He fell down to the ground and gasped. It had only taken him 3 ½ minutes and he had contracted Ebola and was fighting for his life. The last thing he ever saw was a large figure towering over him… and then all was black.​

-=An Alexander Welsh Spin-Off 2014 =-

The above content is no way affiliated with Zee’s Stories, nor is it wholly endorsed, this is all A. Welsh’s work.


The Peculiar Affair of Tom Hammonds and the Foetus

Hammonds was an odd being, he sat there drenched in the fluid of his experimentation on the being. The grand metal casket lay in front of him, it’s grandeur unperceivable to the mortal mind. Inside swam around a part of Hammonds himself, a small human being originating from his very own ear lobe. Jackson manoeuvred himself around the parabolic bend in the passage, the hum of electric motors whirred as he screeched to a halt in his wheelchair: in front of his master – Hammonds. A brief dialogue ensued as Hammonds gestured to a control. Jackson moved his claw-like talon and began to press. Minutes earlier, Jessop, Command Hurd and Lieutenant Massey leaped out of an Apache X-21 chopper, miles above the compound in which Jackson and Hammonds headed their base of operations. They landed gently on a nearby hill, suddenly out of the ground came a metallic probe which began spraying a gaseous juice into the atmosphere, it opened pores in Hurd’s head and he tumbled down the hill. Jessop’s HUD began flashing with the words “Berridge Fermentation Juice”. Jessop and Massey raced through the courtyard and down the stairs, through the corridor while catching sight of a man in a wheel-chair speeding the same way. Massey burst into the room, to be instantly slain by a flashing red katana of Baker. Jessop backed off and entered his clip into the Baker who stumbled forwards and fell into the open grate; Jessop hared down the walkway and leaped, plunging a dagger into Hammonds. By then it was too late, Jackson pulled the lever and a whole flash erupted from the compound – all went black. ​

-= Zee’s Official Stories 2014 =-


The Preliminary Investigation into the Hydrogenation of the Garnett

It was time, time for the grand removal of Garnett. He had been a thorn in the Buss’ side for too long, digging in like a shattered kneecap.  The Garnett was being slowly whisked around in a solution of the fermented Berridge, naturally with some Sodium Hydroxide for master effect. Garnett’s muffled screams were temporarily silenced as glass cascaded down over Baker as he was manning the controls, guards fell like flies as Rob and Al leaped from the roof, bringing down a large metallic object into Baker’s cranium: it was a quick death. Al, as drugged up as he was continued to inject his bony arm with Viagra mixed with animal tranquiliser. Al toppled forwards and was impaled upon a conveniently placed spike: again he bled out, not feeling the pain. Adam was slowly dissolving as Rob cracked open the tank: he spilled out onto the floor along with a Berridge vertebrae. Adam was past recovery and he died in Rob’s loving arms. Rob performed CPR in vain, even attempting an ad-hoc defibrillation with a car battery: it just electrocuted a lame cat. Rob screamed in bereavement as Adam’s blood poured over the ground. Adam was sadly now a thick paste of flesh… Rob was the struck from behind as Baker’s assistant Zach finished the job with a rusty fire extinguisher.

-= Zee’s Official Stories 2014 =-


How the Evolution of Berridge was Affected by the Coming of the Yeast

Even though the onions are unrelated to this subject, they are actually quite essential to the survival of the sugar beet, which is also unrelated. The most essential of these processes included the fermentation of Colonel Berridge’s liver and thighs. Considering the fact that his heart is hard to access, we poured an acidified form of yeast down his throat to extract the necessary organs. As soon as we completed this, Berridge proceeded to make peculiar gurgling noises as the sickly liquid came out of his throat; he closed his eyes and perished. Meanwhile, Doctor Asbury was brutally put to bed by an odd being going by the name of Samuel Baker, the knife still stuck out his stomach as he tumbled into the wheelbarrow and was wheeled to a conveniently waiting funeral hearse. The sample of Berridge’s thigh and liver were taken back to  the laboratory where they were distilled and a fine dust was produced from them. Obviously the death of Berridge was not welcomed by the community as they sought to hunt down his killer who was (as we already know – dead). As Baker walked towards Costa Coffee, a scream of agony erupted from his lips and he collapsed with a large chunk of glass sticking out his neck. Then a small boy came from behind and injected a bloody needle into Baker’s killer – Garnett. Al Hurd had won! He then rushed into the veterinary surgeon’s and injected himself multiple times with animal tranquiliser.
-= Zee’s Official Stories 2014 =-